i was really looking forward to spending the day at home unpacking and nesting a bit, but now I’m here and I just want to cry and scream. I’m all alone, and the house is so big and so cold and there are things everywhere — i can see what needs to be done, but I don’t have the physical strength to do the first part of anything. Like the coats. there are coats everywhere and I want to put them away, but i know M wants to move the armoire before I put the coats in t, and I can’t move it myself.

I want to shout and shout about how much I hate it here, but I feel guilty for not being thrilled every second that I’m in my beautiful new house.

i’m afraid i’ll feel like this when the baby comes, and i’m all alone in this house every day with a newborn and a mess and no friends or lovers or schedule.

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